This is to a Girl - ariesgirl

I'm sweating and my heart's about to explode. I can hear you giggle and it makes me more nervous.

        "Not with you," my brain keeps repeating. "Not for the first time, maybe the second time, but it can't be the first." Don't wreck it for yourself, though.

        Your eyes pierce right through mine and my brain just turns to mush. I have no previous memory. Everything is just gone in a second. Your arm extends out towards mine, and our fingers intertwine. I'm shivering. This moment in itself just makes me smile.
        
        You lean over and whisper the most outdated and overused three words. I try to reciprocate but all that comes out is a useless jumble of nonsensical jargon. Your sharp blue eyes are laughing, but you say nothing about it. We become one - and it is utterly indescribable.

        My body is hot and cold all at once. I want to scream and whisper at the same time. My eyes are closed but somehow open. I can taste you. You taste of caramel and rainbows, summertime and apple turnovers, sparkles and cupcakes, freshly cut grass and froot loops, like purple and sherbet and to quote the Beatles, like strawberry fields forever.

        Then it hits me. What have I done? Maybe this is okay for everyone else, but it definitely isn't for me. My head is spinning. My heart is pounding - this time in a sick fashion. My stomach is knotted beyond repair and my thoughts will never be the same. I can't deal with this.

        How could you do this to me? How could you let me do this? I thought we were friends. I thought you cared about me. Something about you is still radiating beauty.

        My mind begins to turn to tapioca again and nothing matters anymore. You're on top of me, but you're not heavy. I don't understand it - but it's comforting.

        My mind freezes again. I think about you and me and all these years we've known each other. And really, I have loved you like this. We've always been together, just not this way. Not officially. Not sexually. Now that we are I just can't taste enough of you all at once.

        The red digital numbers are flashing 4:57 a.m.. A door in the distance slams. He's home. He peeks in, but doesn't notice my fragile body underneath the sheets. We both have a sigh of relief, then laughter. You tell me not to tell a soul. I swear to you I won't.

        You kiss my forehead once, twice, say those three damned words again and I drift off in your arms, dreaming of the future to come.

        The sun's in my eyes now and you kiss me awake. I just grin and stare at you. You're cute in those pyjamas. Then you say the thing I've been dreading this whole time.

        "I always knew you were a lesbian."

        "I'm not a lesbian," I scream back at you, but I know its most false thing that ever escaped my lips.

        "Don't worry, this will be our little secret," you whisper in my ear.

        Then show you me to the door,  like an underpaid and overworked prostitute. I'm confused, angry, in love and euphoric all at once. I don't know what I'm supposed to think.

        You've been stuck in my head since the 17th of July, during that 8th grade summer. I don't love you anymore, nor will I, but once in awhile I can still taste you.

        And I will always be able to.