Sometimes I would have dreams about her after she moved across the state. I knew her for years, and the attraction was mutual, but I was a coward. Scared half to death of letting myself follow through with the things I wanted to do. Scared half to death to be myself, I guess. We flirted. We cuddled. We lay in the same room and had trouble sleeping because we were so painfully aware the other existed. But I was a coward and because of that, nothing went further than that.

Of course, in my dreams, it was always another story. I’m not a very sexual person, and I haven’t quite figured out if it’s because I’ve always been with guys, and perhaps I’m more sexually comfortable with girls, or if I’d be the same way with everyone. But in my dreams, everything is different. Everything is beautiful. I am not a coward in my dreams. When you’re asleep, you can do anything.

I’d recently started having them again. The dreams, you know. So when David and Jenn told me last week that they were planning on visiting Allie for her birthday and asked if I would like to come, my silly hopes flared. I smiled and said, sure, that would be a great idea. I’d like to see her. And how that was true… with her often on my mind… to see her again after these five months would be very nice indeed.

We’re leaving soon. I’m sitting here, wringing my hands about, feeling nervous. How I’m supposed to be around her with these feelings, I don’t know. If she sees anything strange in my eyes, I’m caught. If anyone does, for that matter. Oh, god. This weekend is going to be interesting. That is, if I don’t keel over from fear before I even arrive.

There’s Jenn. She’s knocking on my door. They’re early. Oh, god… oh, god. I struggle to regain my composure… squeeze my eyes shut, and open them again. She’s still standing there, blurred behind the glass in my front door. I stare stupidly for a few seconds, and finally sigh and hurry over, opening it, smiling wearily.

“What’s wrong? You look sick. Are you alright?” Jenn is already pushing through the door, worried by the look on my face. “Are you sure you want to go? Are you okay?” …She sounds like my mother. I laugh.

“I’m fine. I’m…fine. I’m just… I think I need more sleep.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, you can sleep in the car, if you don’t mind noise. It’s a four-hour drive. I’m sure David’s brought all 200 of his CDs along. He can’t live without them.” Rolling her eyes, Jenn grabs most of my bags before I can object and runs back out the door again. I stare out at her, look down, shrug, and pick up the remainders. Off we go then, I guess.

She was right about David. When I glance through the windshield of his rusty green car, I can see him in there, fretting over the pages of his music case, frantically trying to choose. When I get in, he looks back at me.

“Hey. What do you want to listen to?”

I smile slightly, feeling light-headed.

“I don’t know. Pick something.”

And he’s buried in the case again. Jenn closes the back door when all of my things are piled in next to me, climbing in the back seat. She reaches over and grabs a CD randomly, pushing it into the slot. David just looks at her, and, satisfied that someone’s finally made a decision, pulls out of the drive and onto my street. I rest my head against the cold window and try to figure out what I should say to Allie. We’ve been speaking online sparingly, mostly small talk. All I can come up with is, “hi.” So much for originality.

I hope she’s not still mad at me for going out with Chase. I’m so confused. There are many other bisexual people in the world. I can’t be the only one who lacks experience in being with my own gender, but thinks about it a lot. I can’t be the only scared one. But she seems so much more confident… if only I had that. I’m stuck with my fantasies. My hopes and dreams. I bang my head on the window, the noise startling me when I realize I’ve done it. Jenn looks back, a barbeque-flavored chip half-done being stuck in her mouth.

“You sure you’re okay?”

I blink.

“Yeah. Yep. Totally fine.” I grab a piece of licorice from the bag of candy I brought along and stuff it in my mouth to end the conversation. Just like those commercials on television. What were those candy bars again? Was it Twix? I’m giggling, and Jenn is looking at me like I’ve completely lost my mind. Good thing she can’t read it. While she has nothing against my bisexuality, she’d probably prefer I not start spouting things like, “soft skin… soft skin… oh, how beautiful.” I giddily chomp on another bite of licorice and tilt my head questioningly. Jenn seems satisfied and turns back around, reaching over to pat David’s leg and take a swig of Coke. I watch contently, suddenly reminded of how I’ve always found it interesting that I rarely have feelings for straight girls. I have no idea how to explain that, except that maybe it’s a defensive thing… so I don’t get hurt? Who knows. I turn my head and stare out the window again. We’ve been driving for an hour, and I’m already feeling exhausted. Maybe I really am tired. I close my eyes and listen to the Radiohead playing from the stereo.

When I open them again, I’m sleeping on a bed. What the hell? How did they get me inside without me noticing? I look around questioningly. The room is dark, and it looks a lot like what you’d expect from a Holiday Inn. The only light is coming from underneath the door of the little bathroom I see in the reflection of the closet door composed of giant mirrors. I hear the sound of a shower running, and look around again, somewhere beyond confused by now. There’s a little bedstand to the left of my hand. I gaze over at it, struggling to see in the moonlight streaming in through the windows. There’s a notepad sitting there, and a pen resting on it. I reach up and fumble at what looks to be a light until I feel a little cord and pull it.

“Ack!” Instantly, I fling my hang up to my eyes and squint painfully through it at the notepad. I was right… it’s a hotel room. What the hell am I doing in the hotel room? Running my eyes further down the paper, there’s a note. “Thought I’d take a shower. You were sleeping as soon as you hit the bed, didn’t want to wake you, sorry. If you get this before I’m done, feel free to join.” …A little winking face is drawn after this. I stare at it, and then examine the end of the note. “ – A,” it says. I’ve never been so confused in my life. Did someone drug my candy? Is that even possible? I must be in someone’s room by mistake. Oh, crap. I need to get out of here. Showers don’t take forever. Oh, jeez. I scramble out of the bed, fix the covers to the best of my ability, and start running toward the door, which is only twelve steps away. Wait. I stop in front of the bathroom door, and eye it cautiously. The water sound still sounds, but I hear feminine humming mixed in. A girl. Showering. Just inside this door. Oh yeah, I definitely need to get out of here. My heart is pounding like mad, and if I get any more freaked out, whoever’s in there is sure to hear it. I sound like someone’s little kid starting out on drums. I turn toward the door and practically pounce to it, only to stumble over a sneaker and crash my shoulder into it. Ah, steel. Yeah. That definitely felt great, just great. How I’m supposed to explain to David and Jenn that I got all bruised up is beyond me, but then, if they’re the ones that stuck me in here, maybe I don’t want to talk to them anyway. But they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Maybe someone spiked their soda. I clutch my shoulder and hiss out unfriendly words, tempted to smack the door, but realizing that would only create more noise. I work on breathing again.

The shower stops and I freeze, my hand about to grasp the doorknob. Oh, god. Ohhh crap. Oh no. She heard me. I can’t move. So much for breathing.

“Jess? Was that you?”

Oh. Oh dear. She knows my name. How can she know my name? I’m not supposed to be here. She must mean a different Jess. Probably a guy. Named Jesse. Yeah, that’s it. I gaze wide-eyed at nothing in particular, watching spots swim in front of my eyes. I’m so scared I’m sure I might faint. I might as well do it outside, not in here. I reach further for the doorknob.

“Jess? You nut. I know that was you! The doors are locked; people can get in, not out. And no one else has our keys.”

Well, someone must. Unless Jesse’s part of this prank that’s been put into play. I vow to smack Jesse, should I pass him in the hall, but think better of it because I’m five feet tall and Jesse’s probably a seven-foot football player, with my luck. Before I can turn the knob, the bathroom door opens, and I snap my eyes over to it, panicked.

“Jess. What’re you doing? If you want snacks, I’d be glad to come with you. Just let me get changed first.”
But I can’t speak. Not a word. Right in front of me is Allie. Smiling sweetly, and dripping everywhere. I glance down at the floor at the puddle forming, run my eyes up her body, and meet her eyes again, biting my lip. This has to be dream. Yeah. That’s it. This is a dream. …But that doesn’t change anything. Allie’s standing in front of me. She forgot to put her clothes on. I consider reminding her, but my voice fails me. I cough.

“Hun, are you alright? You look really pale. Did you eat that plane food? I hear it’s really frightening.”

Oh god. She’s walking toward me. Her hands are on my neck and her forehead’s resting against mine. She’s practically radiating steam from the shower. Words cannot explain how good those hands feel, carefully caressing my neck to calm my down. I forget all worries and melt into her arms, drawing my lips ne-

“Jess! Jess! Wake up, you dork. We’re here. I’ve been shouting at you for like five minutes! Jess!”

I open my eyes and blink. It’s not Allie’s face in front of me. It’s Jenn’s, and she appears to have crawled over the armrest to shake my shoulders. Unsure of what planet I’m on, I just look at her, my mouth gaping open.

“Biiihhhh,” I say, testing out my voice. Very profound. I’ll make into college for sure.

“Jess, Jesus. You’ve been acting weird all day. We’re here. Get out of the car. We’ll ask Allie if you can lie down somewhere. I’m really worried about you.” She’s crawled back over the armrest, and is now getting out of her door and rushing to mine to help me.

I try speaking, but choke on my words and clear my throat.

“I…” …cough, cough… cough… “I’m fine. Really, I am. Don’t worry. But maybe lying down is a good idea. I think I’m a little off today.” My voice sounds hoarse. I frown, and examine my bare fingernails. Jenn drags me out of the car and I stumble to regain my balance, stopping to inspect the house before me. It’s white and at least three times the size of my own. I wonder how many showers it has, and about fall right over when it crosses my mind. The dream. It was a dream. Another one. My legs feel wobbly. I look down at them and threaten within my head to squeeze them into tights if they don’t behave. Before I can realize what’s happening, David has one of my arms and Jenn has the other and we’re going up the steep driveway. Oh, all right then. Nevermind, no tights. I don’t have to stand on my own afterall. My mind feels blank except for an underlying nervously that probably will never go away. Luckily, I feel tired enough to not care as much as perhaps I should.

We’re at the front door. It looks big and scary, if only because every door dwarfs me. I look closely at what appears to be a doorknocker in the form of a lion, and take my arms away from my captives to poke at its mouth. No sooner had my finger reached it, than the door opened and I was standing right in front of Allie, with my finger in the air. She’d been ready to say something, but now stops in the middle of her trying, to peer curiously at my dangling finger. I smile giddily. First impressions, oh joy. I drop my arm and keep eye contact, even though I’m shaking.

“Hi, “ I mumble. Yep. Just as I had planned. At least no one can accuse me of not following through this time around.

Allie regains herself, backs away and motions us in.

“Come on in, guys. You’re just on time.” She’s smiling. She has such a cute smile. I missed that smile. And that voice. She looks even more beautiful than last time I saw her. Determined to be a normal friend, I struggle to respond as David and Jenn are pulling off their shoes. Mine are slip-on. And they’re definitely not on anymore. I decide not to question it; I must’ve taken them off on autopilot as I watched Allie’s hair flowing about.

“We left early, “ I say. “And we might have sped. I really don’t know. I was asleep for most of it.” I look away, and focus on the hallway we’re standing in. I walk over to a chandelier and peer curiously up at it. Luckily, everyone here is used to me being slightly peculiar, so no one will find this odd. Or maybe not. Jenn’s voice betrays me seconds after the thought crosses my mind.

“Allie, I’m sorry to ask this so soon after we got here, but do you have somewhere Jess could lie down for a bit? She’s been acting insane all day. I don’t know what to think. She probably just needs rest. You know how she is about sleeping.”

With my peripheral vision, I watch as Allie looks over at me and seems to consider the idea.

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll bring her there. You guys can go sit in the living room, if you want. Jess, come with me, I’ll show you to your guest room.”

“…Okay.” I follow, and soon we’re going up steps. And more steps. Annndd more steps. “Where is it we’re going, exactly? Do you always put your guests at skyscraper heights?” I ask jokingly, running a hand over the smooth wooden rails as we climb. It’s a nice feeling.

“Nope. Not always,” she answers casually from in front of me, leaving me to wonder why this time around is different. I figure we’re all getting rooms way up on the top floor, maybe so if we hang out and play music or something, we won’t bother her parents. Her parents will be thankful. My legs might not be, but it happens, I guess.

She leads me to a light blue door, opens it, and walks inside. I follow, feeling a little less nervous now that we appear to be acting in a regular manner. Allie stops next to the bed and motions again.

“You’ll sleep here tonight. I know how you have problems sleeping with anyone in the room, so you have your own room, and there’s a door connecting it to David and Jenna’s, and another to mine.” She motions to those as well. I watch her arms move gracefully through the air, and wonder if she means anyone, or her specifically.

This room is huge. Even the bed is huge. And big and fluffy. It looks so tempting that I immediately climb into it and snuggle under the covers, peering out at her afterwards. She’s watching me, probably to make sure I’m not going to lose my mind and perhaps eat the comforter instead of pull it around me. I look back at her.

“Thank you,” I nod, face partially covered by warm fabric. It muffles my voice and my words come out as something like, “fank ew.” She smiles, takes the few steps to the bed, and unexpectedly leans over me. I stiffen and go wide-eyed. Is that a smirk I see? A smirk? Oh dear. Allie always liked to use my attraction to her to her advantage. She liked to play. Was she still like that? No, of course not. She’s just being friendly. Don’t think anything of it. …I burrow slightly more into the blanket anyway. She’s leaning in more, and she kisses my forehead. I blink and watch her curiously. My skin is tingling, but I don’t plan on telling her that. My secret… all mine.

Her long, silken chestnut hair is falling toward me, framing her face and mine little a tunnel. I stare owlishly through it. The light at the end of my tunnel is coming in the form of a glint in her eyes that can’t possible be there. No, no, no. I squeak, and then flinch at the fact I’ve done so. Allie grins, tucks hair behind one ear, and opens her mouth. My eyes widen and when she speaks, I vow to kick myself as soon as she’s out of the room for thinking she might want anything else of me.

“It’s nice to see you again,” she says, looking down at me. Her eyes are smiling. I’m confused. I hurt her almost half a year ago by not being with her. Why doesn’t she seem mad? Is this a dream too? These dream things are getting out of hand.

Just in case it’s reality, I nod, and manage a smile that’s only half-seen with the blanket covering my chin and bottom lip.

“It’s really nice to see you too.”

Allie reaches out to touch my cheek, and I flinch again. I really need to work on this nervous thing. No wonder people are worried. I’m so paranoid, I’m practically jumping out of my skin just because my friend cares about my well-being and is showing it with the sense of touch. My head turns slightly toward the hand, and I try to ignore how nice it feels against my skin. I close my eyes.

When they open, Allie’s gone. My gaze flicks to the closed door. Hm. Maybe I dreamt that too. But it felt so real… my right cheek is still tingling. I draw my hand out from under the blanket to touch it softly, and curl onto my side, hugging my pillow and losing myself in the world that is my mind.

After a few hours of lying there in a confused daze, the door to the hall opens again, and light floods in. I look over, and there are my three friends, running toward me. Jumping. Ohhhhno. I see what’s coming. Suddenly I’m surrounded by three giggling warm humans who are tickling me and telling me to get up and join the party. I squeal and struggle, batting at hands, not even sure whose are whose. When finally untangled from my blanket, I back up against the wooden headboard and seat myself there, legs crossed Indian-style, braced for further attack.

“What’re we doing tonight?” I ask, out of breath. Jenn is cuddled into David to my right, and Allie’s sprawled across the bed, length-wise. She turns her head and answers.

“I thought we might watch a movie. We have a new DVD player in living room, and I got a few things for my birthday that we could watch.” It occurs to me that we haven’t given her her presents yet, and I wonder when we’ll be doing that. Tomorrow, I guess.

“Okay,” I reply, and climb off the bed, reaching a hand out to help her down. David and Jenn help eachother out, and soon we’re headed down the three sets of stairs. Suddenly I’m wondering again why we’re using rooms on the top floor. The sound theory didn’t apply anymore if we were going to watch movies down here on the same floor as the sleeping parents. I glance at the clock. Eleven at night. How long had I been up there? Wow.

I follow everyone into the kitchen where we collect drinks and file back into the living room. David and Jenn collapse together onto the couch. There’s a chair left… a big squishy one… but I wouldn’t feel right sitting there with Allie not having somewhere to sit, so I settle for the floor off to the side of the couch my other two friends are situating themselves across. Jenn asks if Allie has a blanket, and she comes back with two, giving one to them and sitting next to me with the other. I stare at the previews on the television and decide I don’t really need a blanket, only to almost jump into the air when half of one lands on me. I look down at it, and over at Allie. She smiles again, and looks away to grab the remote as she speaks.

“I only had two extras on the floor and I don’t want to go through the trouble of finding more upstairs, so I figure you and I can just share one. It’s not like we haven’t before.”

“Oh,” comes my brilliant reply. Perfectly good explanation. But she’s only a foot away from me and she’s under my blanket and and and. I decide not to think. “We should probably lay down then. You know. So it’s laying flat and such and not bunched around our legs. You know.” …I look at her expectantly.

“Oh. Right. Good idea.” She starts sprawling stomach-down on the floor. After a moment’s hesitation, I do too, and the movie’s starting, so I concentrate on that. We’re watching Donnie Darko. I should pay attention. A lot of people seem to like this movie. I sip some of my root beer and have a friendly staring match with the screen. I dare not avert my eyes. There is no caring, soft, pretty female beside me. Nooo, nope. That’s… a hamster. Yeah, it’s definitely a hamster. Certainly not a girl who keeps showing up in my dreams. Haaaamster hamster hamster. Oh, right. Movie. You can do this, Jess.

At some point, we’re watching Donnie and his girlfriend walking down the stairs in his parent’s house, down to a party, hand in hand, after being in the bedroom with each other. I start assessing his outfit. It’s Halloween. His black shirt has skeleton bones on it. They’re walking in perfect unison and it’s kind of creepy and there’s a hand on my shoulder and wow, that is some par- what?! Hold on. Back up. Why is there a hand on my shoulder? What’d I do now? I glance in the direction it’s coming from and find myself peering right into Allie’s hazel eyes. When did she get this close? How did I not notice her moving? I’m looking into the depths of her eyes and I can’t read the expression that I find in them. But the fingers are tracing down my arm and soon they’re gently caressing my wrist and the inside of my hand and all the while, she’s got this piercing look going, and she won’t look away, and god is she gorgeous. Those eyes. Those magical eyes. The same ones I’d wiped tears from a year ago when her ferret had died. Those same eyes. I roll onto my side, never breaking contact, and wonder what she’s doing. I remember we’re not alone and start to sit up to check on the couch warmers, but she gently pushes me back down and leaves her hand on my shoulder.

“They left a bit ago, saying they want a bit of fresh air. I think they have ulterior motives and may be gone a while, but who am I to know.” She smirks. I melt. The smirk. The eyes. The hand. I’m in trouble. I’m in lots of trouble. And it’s moving… oohhh no, it’s moving… I- …the thought cuts off when she runs her fingers gently along the edges of my ear. My mind is blank. I watch her, vulnerable to every millisecond with her.

“Mm,” I mumble… the best I can do. I’m not sure what to do with my hands, or any part of me, for that matter. But she’s moving closer and oh, I’m scared, I’m so scared… god help me, I’ve never done anything with a girl, I don’t know what to do. But Allie seems to sense this, and she takes free right hand (the other arm can’t move much, with me lying on my side), and places it on her neck. I freeze and my eyes are full of questions, but she turns her head to kiss my arm and my mind is blank again, except for this longing, except for my body being pressed against hers, and how nice it feels and how I want to be closer but it’s not physically possible, now, is it. I try anyway, lifting my right leg slightly to drape over her and draw her closer, my hand still not sure of itself. I tear my eyes from hers and train it on my hand, willing it to move. I promise it a new bottle of lotion and less cold weather if it’ll just do this for me, and my hand must really like lotion and warmth, because it’s moving. It’s a miracle. I’m running my fingers from the spot behind her ear, down to the rest of my neck, and she’s closed her eyes, she’s made a little sound. Oh, that was a beautiful sound... I forget to move, but realize it soon after and keep caressing, determined to get more sounds out of those cute little lips, when as I blink, they’re suddenly pressed gently against mine, and then there’s more pressure, and I’m so stupid, I’ve forgotten what to do again. She draws back and giggles because I’m just gaping at her like the moron that I am.

“Ummmm. Um. Uh,” I murmur, and she’s kissing me again, and this time I promise my lips some of that new balm I saw in commercials, if they’ll just cooperate. I almost cry out in joy when they obey, and we’re kissing, and oh, I’m floating, this isn’t possible, this isn’t real, but I don’t plan on stopping it now. I reach and try to pull her into me and we’re pressed together in urgency and slowly bucking and this definitely has to be a dream, this deeefinitely has to be a dream. If I wake up within five minutes, I swear I’ll die. Please don’t let me wake up. Please, please, pleeeaase. She’s blowing my mind. She’s everywhere she’s everything she’s-

A door shuts in the background and we both violently jerk away from eachother, staring at eachother with a deer-in-headlights look, and before I can grab her again and try to feel her against me, we’re frantically adjusting ourselves back to movie position and David and Jenn are coming back into the room and I’m breathing so heavily they must notice, they must… but Jenn asks how the movie was, and we comply and spit out answers.

“Good, yeah, good-“
“-I like it.” …Allie sports a smile that the normal person wouldn’t notice anything strange about, but I know her so well that I see the worry hiding deep within in her eyes. Neither of us are going to mention the fact that after Donnie and…Gretchen?… make it to the bottom of the stairs, the television could have exploded and we’d not really have noticed. I slip into a smile, too, once again glad that Jenn can’t read my mind to figure out that I’m actually smiling because I finally had the girl I’ve had feelings for for years’ lips against mine. David’s looking at us funny, though, but I figure it’s probably because we had yet to take the DVD out, so the menu screen had been staring out at us for who knows how long. I cough.

“Um. Why didn’t you guys stay for the rest of it?”

Jenn smiles and shrugs.

“Oh, we’ve seen this plenty of times.”

“Hmm.”

Tortured by pent-up energy, I leap up, knocking the blanket off me in the process.

“So! Who wants popcorn?”

Everyone laughs, and David replies.

“None for us, thanks. We had enough chips during that car ride to last us weeks as far as snacks go. I think we’ll head upstairs and sleep; it’s close to 2. See you two later in the morning.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah. See you.” …When did it become two? I look over at Allie, who’s seated on the floor, watching the couple leave. After a moment, she looks up.

“Hm.”

“….Hm,” I echo back. She giggles.

“Whatever shall we do now?!”

My mind goes blank and I’m wringing my hands again. I whip my gaze around the room and wonder if I should suggest Scrabble.

“Uhhhhh,” I reply, which earns me another smirk. Allie climbs to her feet, stands within millimeters of me with her lips an inch from mine, and takes my right hand.

“Maybe we should have a slumber party!” She looks excited. Never quite the one to believe in dreams come true, I’m torn between thinking she wants to gossip and eat pizza or maybe… something… a little different.

“… Ummmm,” comes another example of my way with words. Allie’s got a secretive smile on her face and from years of friendship with her, I’ve known right from the beginning that that means trouble. My legs are doing that wobbly thing again. I’m about to accuse them of being traitors when suddenly I’m being led up the stairs and all I can concentrate on is how one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met is still interested in me after all this time. How I pulled that off, I have no idea, but it’s such an amazing thought that I’m more grateful than I could ever imagine being in my entire life.

She still likes me. Wow. She’s so amazing. …

I repeat these thoughts up three flights of stairs and she leads me toward her room, hand still entangled in mine. I hear a creak and look to the left to find Jenn leaned against the wall outside her own bedroom, watching us casually. I stop abruptly and my heart seizes. Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. Jenn. Jenn Jenn Jenn. She’s going to freak. She’s going to be disgusted. Ohhh god, Jenn. …But to my surprise, she’s just smiling at me, which has me confused. And she’s mouthing the words, “I understand,” and grinning now. She looks happy. Suddenly I wonder if she had this all planned. She’s even waving goodbye to me. But before I can properly think this over, Allie’s hand shoots out from her doorway, latches onto mine, and sweeps me into her lair like those hooks in silly cartoons when they grab characters quickly off the screen. I gasp and the door shuts behind us, my dream girl taking me to a whole new world.

My last conscious thought before my brain lost all control is that we may be in here for quite a while.

…I guess I’ll buy the lotion and lip balm tomorrow.